I like to think I am a tough person who can handle my own, especially in high-stress scenarios, and can actively be a billy badass.

Whether this is true or not, who knows.

(people who know me, please suppress your laughter until the end of this post.)

Horror movies often met with people saying “Oh I can easily survive that, no problem.”

Which I don’t think is true, most of the time. It’s very easy to get stabbed when someone has a knife. Most slashers (human slashers, that is) would come down to fighting abilities or a gun.

(be cautious of spoilers and potentially heavy topics below.)

In some instances, I probably think the average person could survive. I think most people could survive the aliens (or demons, depending on your theory of belief) in the movie Signs (2002). Intergalactic beings with an absurd weakness to a medium amount of water. You only need to bust out a hose or cups of water. Hell, if you’re a scrappy enough fighter, you can go 1 v 1 with them.

Throwing hands is universal.

I’m pretty sure I could take a Sign’s Alien.

I also think I could handle other things, like haunted houses. Ghosts are something that I don’t believe in, just like other paranormal beliefs. If they were real, and I spent 400k+ on a home? No way I’d move out.

In this housing market?

Just not happening. Fuck those ghosts. I will purposefully antagonize the ghost into leaving. Holy water in a humidifier. Gluing things down, so they can’t be thrown. I’d learn to hunt down paranormal entities like supernatural because it’s cheaper than moving out. Getting a therapist to help the ghost get over its problems.

Demons? Unholy bonds? Couldn’t be me. It’s bad enough I signed up for credit cards. What makes a demon think I would sign a contract (without a lawyer present).

Then there are other horror movies that are just easy to survive in. Take Teeth (2007) for example. Nothing’s going to happen to you if you’re not a horrible human being and respect consent. The Predator franchise is one, too. If you’re not viewed as worthy prey, then the yautja are most likely to leave you alone.

Don’t read strange books or old tapes left in cabins.

I will admit, there are many scenarios where I would definitely not survive. I’m not built for speed and athletic skills. Horror movies that have monsters, such as fast-moving Zombies from Train to Busan (2016) or the things from A Quiet Place (2018).

I’d trip over something, and it’d be game over. Or I’d hear an interesting noise in the woods, think it was a possum or something, and go out to investigate only to become something’s midnight snack.

I make fun of the scientists in Prometheus for getting close to strange creatures, but that’s something I’d do. A hundred percent.

I was watching The Thing (1982) last week and realized I would be the first victim. Infected dog? It doesn’t matter the strange events surrounding it, I’m going to pet it. Also, isolation turned into paranoia is a hell of an issue to deal with. I’d fold like a house of cards. Which is why The Descent (2025) is a no-go for me too.

Some scenarios are more of a gray area. Vampires? If it’s like Dracula, I can only hope to humor them enough like a jester to survive, or my garlic consumption would keep them at bay.

I think Hellraiser (1978) is a gray one too. Depending on the film iteration and intent to open the box is a decider if Pinhead spares you. Same with Ring (1998). You can either share it with someone or make a copy of it, since the intent is for it to spread like a virus.

I honestly think I wouldn’t survive a good chunk of horror films. What do you think? What horror movies do you think you could survive in and ones you wouldn’t?

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Have a happy Monday! — J